Losing your job sucks, you guys, but don’t stop banging out daily chicness over unemployment. I mean, what’s homelessness if you’re wearing Louboutins? Am I right? Secondly, this is the UAE, baby, the big leagues in buying things you probably can’t afford back home (I’m looking at you expat Porsche owners). If your shit is whack, you’re a social pariah.
So you may ask yourself, how do I maintain my hot mess of a self when the dirhams are dwindling? Its easy when you follow these simple steps!
Step 1: Gather every bit of money you possess into one large cash pool for easy access to purchase things you can’t afford.
Step 2: Make a list of all the things you can’t afford, but MUST.HAVE.NOW. and make insanely accurate calculations and schemes about how to pay for all mentioned items right down to the last fils.
Step 3: Make necessary bank deposits of allotted money for items that must be purchased online (can I get a holla for discounted online goods!?).
Step 4: Buy online goodies.
Step 5: This step is probably the most fun in the whole shebang. Once you’ve reassembled the last of your cash-stash, make your way over to some snooty high-fashion store in your best outfit. Pretend to be mega rich (being really mean to the people at the store may help) while keeping your sunglasses on at ALL TIMES. Buy something completely ridiculous and exorbitantly over-priced, as you carry it out of the store like its Chinese take-out.
Step 6: Stand in front of your Ikea bed as you gingerly place each item on the mattress for optimal positioning to ‘oo’ and ‘ahh’ at your purchases.
Step 7: Go cry in the shower ’cause you’re fucking broke.