You guys, everyone poops their pants. Babies do it, olds do it, and guess what y’all, young folk shit themselves, too. Sometimes life just gets all “there was a pile-up on route poop-shoot and you had to dump the kids before you made it to the pool.” Its kind of embarrassing and yet kind of just something that happens to the best of us.
After I read this article over at xojane.com when a brave young editor spoke up about her full pants predicament, I got to thinking about how to remedy this shitty situation. So what do you do when you crap your best granny panties? You buy some new ones, of course!
There is a new lingerie line making headlines in all the fashion mags across the globe that calls Marks & Spencer its home. Its made by the Transporter’s girlfriend or something. Well, she designed them. I’m sure it was made by some Chinese people somewhere.
Feel sexy all over again as the turds drift far away from your memory with hot little numbers like these:
Not the lady wearing it, she’ll probably make you feel like a fat cow, but the underwear will surely cheer you up.
Having a baby is rough, like rougher than that one time in college you got so drunk you passed out in a hallway at a stranger’s house and woke up with dried barf on yourself rough. Imagine that. Imagine squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon-sized opening, then let’s talk.
I’m not one for frivolity when I need to Get.Shit.Done. and makeup usually doesn’t make the cut for heavy duty activities, but I’ve got some reasoning behind my bringing makeup into the maternity ward. (Not that I plan on being a glamour puss the moment she pops out of my womb).
Pictures, people! Yes, indeed. The first photographs of mother and babe happen right there at the hospital. Family and visitors want to come and coo over your new bundle and congratulate you while blasting your face area with everlasting evidence of the auspicious occasion. And let’s just say I don’t do hi-def unless I’ve got some warpaint ready. Call me vain, but I just want to... more
How fast does time fly when I’m reading a stinking urine-soaked plastic device that tells me I’ve got one in the oven to 7 weeks till blast off?? I don’t know and it’s scary as fuck and confusing as fuck and people are freaking me out because they keep asking who’s coming to help us when she’s born. Resounding answer: NO ONE REALLY.
I can’t be worrying about that, I need to get back to losing sleep over whether the pink curtains I’m putting in her room are going to infect her tiny mound of mush brain with some archaic, color-coded sexist philosophy my gender has worked so hard to overcome. And moisturizing my nipples adequately.
But I digress…
1) I leak pee on myself. Like on the reg. Please give a nobel prize to person who invented panty liners…
2) M... more
I’m SO happy to report that almost all of the misery of the first trimester has finally fallen behind me. My energy is back and with no nausea, I’m feeling myself again….just pregnant-er.
It’s a girl! She’s really teeny and moves a lot and likes to kick me which I hope is not a sign that she’s going to be a huge asshole baby- I can say that, it’s my kid. Though she’s really small now- she’s only going to get bigger, which means a bigger belly. Which means lots ‘o’ stretching! If you find yourself with a bun in the oven now or in the future, here are some top tips to help your skin not give you the fat middle finger:
This is probably the best thing you can put on your skin during pregnancy, it’s emollient nature make for high potency penetration into the skin while protecting i... more
Being pregnant is fucking hard for a lot women. Whether it’s the physical changes your body endures daily or the mental and emotional hurdles that will blindside you at the drop of a hat, this is a crucial time when life can seem surreal at best. Here’s a quick list of my physical and mental symptoms I’ve experienced so far:-nausea accompanied by vomiting and heightened gag reflex -heightened sense of smell making everything smell like a dead donkey butthole -dizziness and faintness when moving or standing at a normal pace -fatigue that induces at least 2 death naps per day -itchy, dry raisin skin -shortness of breath when doing the most basic of tasks (i.e. walking normally) -memory loss -congestion during sleep coupled with daily morning nasal draining which causes more nausea (snot on an empty stomach= YUM) -constipation (what I wouldn’t do to take a shit right now, it’s been three days so far) -constant feeling of dehydration despite chugging ... more
As evident by the title, there is human life stirring within my bowels. Imagine that. Now try and sleep.
In all seriousness (sort of), I’m officially 14 weeks and two days pregnant and just into my second trimester. Pregnancy is split into trimesters, with a full-term pregnancy at 40 weeks. The first trimester is often the most difficult, not to mention the most uncertain time of pregnancy….and how it has been difficult!
Dear readers, I have essentially been horizontal for two months because being pregnant isn’t all about glowing and eating and being happy. No. Not for everyone. For the unlucky bastards such as myself, every day is a living hell filled with vomiting, constipation, nasal congestion, cramping, fatigue, weakness, dizziness, headaches, constant need to sleep, among other fun facts that I’m too polite to mention here just yet.
While I am FINALLY starting to feel better and get some relief, it’s been a long road. I&rsqu... more
First up is from Emma Pickles- one of the best people on YouTube for making easy-to-follow dramatic costume makeup tutorials. This Pop Art/Comic Book look is by far my favorite:
Next up is an adorable costume idea from Hannah at Xovain.com that also brings me back to childhood so much- a Betty Boop tutorial that is also super easy!
The beauty of this tutorial is that you can probably use the makeup you already have, so there’s no need to go out about buy a bunch of makeup you would only use the once for Halloween.
Lastly, what would a Halloween be without the classic “sexy vampire” look. While I don’t find this as fun as some of the other looks... more