Tomorrow morning I am flying back to Florida to
get the fuck out before shit really hits the fan visit my friends and family whom I haven’t seen for over a year! I’m so excited you guys! But as an adult in my very first apartment I’ve realized what a financial burden it is to leave my apartment empy while I still have to pay rent. Subletting it to a stranger is my greatest fear plus I’m only gone for three weeks so finding someone would be difficult.
All my problems were solved when Jorgen found out he’d be evicted at the end of this month and needed a place to stay. We’re splitting my rent and of course he’ll take care of my shit. But like the worried young mother I am I’ll be leaving him the list below:
1. If it does not rain, please water my precious plants, Lile and Sota. They will produce flowers and chiles which you will benefit from one day!
2. NO SMOKING INSIDE THE HOUSE. You know I’ve got super acute olfactory senses and this is an offense punishable by…you don’t even want to know. I will find out.
3. There is no doubt you’ll run into my favorite saccharine-sweet and secretly evil nun, Sister Esperanza, who lives directly under me. When you’re taking a gander on the balcony (see rule #2) you need to tread lightly and quietly. She is terrified it will fall and crash directly onto her, so if you even stomp a few times she’ll come up and yell at you.
4. Use the black bags for trash and take it out every day. If juice oozes out, wash the ground or else all the old widows on my floor will get pissy.
5. You know you’ll run out of water. I showed you that my tank is on an elevated top of the roof that some poor guy must monkey climb to get up. Call Rabih the water guy and tell him the ‘In Beirut Building in Mar Mikhael’ (drop ‘little American girl” if he’s confused). His number is xxxxxxxx
6. IF (lawd help us all) you lose or forget my key (which is very likely since you’ve used my copy of your key to your house 4 times in the past month) XXX has the key –> retrieve it!
7. If the electricity goes out for more than the usual three hours, throw that lebneh you insisted I keep because you’d eat it away. Eat that egg too. Also, please turn the lights off when you leave the house.
8. Pay my bills! Well not really, but if the trash guy comes around or the guy who cleans my ‘front yard’ knocks and demands his 10,000LL, give it to him and write up a tab or tell them I went away and will be back. (I was too scared to entrust you with the electricity bill considering you never paid yours and they shut it off so many times they cut the wire, so the shopkeeper downstairs has got me covered, thanks Tony!)
9. All art installations or creative additions you wish to add to my house are TOTALLY PERMITTED! My place can be your workshop. I welcome all of your pieces of art.
10. Last but NOT least. You don’t have a good reputation in this building, it is a fact. Please DO NOT RUIN MINE!
**I return with Mr. Matias on 24 November: Make my house clean and tidy (the way it was when I left) or my jet lag will turn into jet RAGE!
Have a sweet stay, make new friends, and don’t hang out by yourself too much!
Will miss you!