Now that the holiday season is coming up a lot of people will be crossing vast distances to spend some quality time with their beloved families. Here are some of the pros and cons about the modern transportation of choice:
You can get to your destination really really fast. Actually, the average cruise speed of a commercial airplane is five times faster than your own freefall speed if you for some reason end up on the outside of the plane.
If you get on a plane you might get a finger up your ass, but it might also be worth it.
Even if it only happens rarely, and I don’t know anyone that has admitted to have been a victim of such a crime, but when you enter an airplane you always run a small risk of being welcomed at your final destination by some random dude putting his finger up your ass. It’s a dirty job hated by the majority of the airport crew. That’s why it’s always deligated to the one dude that just loves to perform this dirty task, which makes it even worse, sort of…
I guess I can say that I’ve travelled quite a bit in my life, and the closest I’ve ever been to losing my a-virginity was at a tiny airport two hours outisde of Oslo. “You! Step aside!” a man wearing a uniform told me as I was walking though the customs. His eyes were already fixed at my ass and his mouth drooling leftovers from last nights blow job. I was tired and dirty on my way back to Norway from London to celebrate Christmas with my family. “What do you want?” I asked, expecting him to lie about some routine bullshit. “Just a routine check” he replied before guiding me into a sterile looking room, like he was going to perform some kind of surgery on me. Then a dog way smarter than his master sniffed its way through my personal belongings. “Come on dude!” I tried to sense with him, “If I was a crack ho smuggling drugs, I would not dress like a crack ho and go smuggling drugs on a plane!” But he just looked at me with supressed excitement in his eyes as he ordered me to strip in front of him.
And there I was, butt naked in front of this cock sucker, well knowing that he wanted more. So to make sure I was one step ahead of him I said “I would love to take a shit in your hands, but that finger of yours aint going up there”. Slightly perplexed from my genius mind he froze for a second, so I decided to go for a second strike: “Unless you give me twenty bucks… no… inflated airport prizes applies. Fifty bucks.” Silence. “But I can take a shit in your hands for free”.
Then 30 seconds of awkwardness followed before I was told that I was free to go. It was a close call, but I managed to meet my family with dignity.
You get to buy cheap liquor and cigarettes from the tax-free shop! I usually never do this though, as I have bad flash backs from my white trash days. In Norway people would go to Denmark on the most epic low class cruise to have experimental sex with stragers and to buy cheap booze. Nothing wrong with that, obviously, but I always feel a bit dirty when I stand there in line with people stocking up on their essentials. You don’t save money from buying cheap liquor and cigarettes – you just end up drinking and smoking more. But what the heck! It’s Christmas after all! Let’s get wasted, have sex, and celebrate the death of a Prophet! (Or was it the birth? I don’t remember.)
Another thing that is annoying about airports is the x-ray system. It will stop you from bringing an AK47 or a bunch of hand grenades with you, but, come on, seriously? If you spend 48 hours in the planning you can bring pretty sophisticated weapons with you through the security operated by a bunch of lazy dudes! And it’s so obvious that the airports in the Middle East only has those x-ray machines because they have to have them there. They don’t really give a shit about what you bring with you on the plane.
However, the most annoying airport in the world when it comes to this is the Attaturk airport in Istanbul. There you have to walk through an x-ray machine before you get your passport checked. Then you have to walk through another x-ray machine right after the passport control again! Like, if you stole a gun from the cop in the meantime or something. Then you get to the vast tax-free no man’s land where you can get all sorts of stuff before you board the plane, such as knives from the restaurants and ingredients for you Molotv Cocktail. I don’t get it!
Flying is like time travelling. Really! You can be on a plane for several hours, and arrive at the same time you left. Or the other way around, that you are on the plane for five hours, and when you walk out of it, ten hours have passed. I have no idea how it works, but it’s like magic! And it gives you the excuse to sleep all day and stay awake at night for a couple of weeks due to the jet-lag it gives you.
If you get on a plane you might get a finger up your ass, but it might also be worth it. This means that you sometimes have to give up your dignity for something desirable – like seeing your family. I mean, if I had the opportunity to travel to Mars I would have accepted a whole fist up there!
Anyways, I hope you guys will have to pay less than that for your holliday travels this year, and that you get to keep your love holes for your loved ones – like it should be.
Take care! Have fun! And Happy Good Times!
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