You can’t sit here and try to tell me that some fat old guy wearing a heinous red velvet suit and hat is hip to the fact that I want a See by Chloé bag or that new Naked palette from Urban Decay.
So, on that note, I’ve decided to create a new, after-Christmas holiday in which you indulge in your Christmas miracle gifts you got shafted on this past December.
1) Grace, A Memoir by Grace Coddington.
Yes I know reading is way fucking nerdy, but anyone who’s anyone is reading this book or already has read it (read it twice!!). Also, don’t even dare ask me who Grace Coddington is, save yourself the public embarrassment and watch The September Issue or Google it. Seriously.
Ok, so I think we’re all aware of the torrentiel weather going on right now (hello Beirut and Amman and the east coast of the U.S.!) so you need to protect your feet, in style of course. Hunter Wellingtons are THE shoe for the job. They’re pretty Man vs. Wild, but come on, Princess Diana wore them so get a fucking grip and get some.
3) More red lipstick.
I don’t really need to stress the fact that THERE CAN NEVER BE ENOUGH RED LIPSTICK!!!! So even if you have like 500 million bajillion tubes, you should go out right now and buy this magical NARS Velvet Matte Lip pencil in Cruella. (Don’t be a douche and forget to buy the sharpener for it, like me or you’ll be shit out ‘o’ luck as the pencil wears down.)
4) A new bag.
There are MAJAY sales going on right now at pretty much every store on the planet (and online) hawking their end of season stock. 30% off at Givenchy? You had me at discount.
Stop what you’re doing, do not apply any more makeup to your mug. Throw out that dumb primer and get ready to have your mind blown. This, this is the shit. Its basically the holiest of holies when it comes to skin products for the French, and baby, does it work! I use it as a magical makeup primer to be applied just before anything else, when I see flakey winter skin, when I have a rash (non-vaginal, thank you)- even my husband steals it from time to time to smooth out his complexion. Men, women, world: please, if you get nothing else on this list, get hip to Embryolisse and be one with the zen of the universe.
Having a baby is rough, like rougher than that one time in college you got so drunk you passed out in a hallway at a stranger’s house and woke up with dried barf on yourself rough. Imagine that. Imagine squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon-sized opening, then let’s talk.
I’m not one for frivolity when I need to Get.Shit.Done. and makeup usually doesn’t make the cut for heavy duty activities, but I’ve got some reasoning behind my bringing makeup into the maternity ward. (Not that I plan on being a glamour puss the moment she pops out of my womb).
Pictures, people! Yes, indeed. The first photographs of mother and babe happen right there at the hospital. Family and visitors want to come and coo over your new bundle and congratulate you while blasting your face area with everlasting evidence of the auspicious occasion. And let’s just say I don’t do hi-def unless I’ve got some warpaint ready. Call me vain, but I just want to... more
How fast does time fly when I’m reading a stinking urine-soaked plastic device that tells me I’ve got one in the oven to 7 weeks till blast off?? I don’t know and it’s scary as fuck and confusing as fuck and people are freaking me out because they keep asking who’s coming to help us when she’s born. Resounding answer: NO ONE REALLY.
I can’t be worrying about that, I need to get back to losing sleep over whether the pink curtains I’m putting in her room are going to infect her tiny mound of mush brain with some archaic, color-coded sexist philosophy my gender has worked so hard to overcome. And moisturizing my nipples adequately.
But I digress…
1) I leak pee on myself. Like on the reg. Please give a nobel prize to person who invented panty liners…
2) M... more
I’m SO happy to report that almost all of the misery of the first trimester has finally fallen behind me. My energy is back and with no nausea, I’m feeling myself again….just pregnant-er.
It’s a girl! She’s really teeny and moves a lot and likes to kick me which I hope is not a sign that she’s going to be a huge asshole baby- I can say that, it’s my kid. Though she’s really small now- she’s only going to get bigger, which means a bigger belly. Which means lots ‘o’ stretching! If you find yourself with a bun in the oven now or in the future, here are some top tips to help your skin not give you the fat middle finger:
This is probably the best thing you can put on your skin during pregnancy, it’s emollient nature make for high potency penetration into the skin while protecting i... more
Being pregnant is fucking hard for a lot women. Whether it’s the physical changes your body endures daily or the mental and emotional hurdles that will blindside you at the drop of a hat, this is a crucial time when life can seem surreal at best. Here’s a quick list of my physical and mental symptoms I’ve experienced so far:-nausea accompanied by vomiting and heightened gag reflex -heightened sense of smell making everything smell like a dead donkey butthole -dizziness and faintness when moving or standing at a normal pace -fatigue that induces at least 2 death naps per day -itchy, dry raisin skin -shortness of breath when doing the most basic of tasks (i.e. walking normally) -memory loss -congestion during sleep coupled with daily morning nasal draining which causes more nausea (snot on an empty stomach= YUM) -constipation (what I wouldn’t do to take a shit right now, it’s been three days so far) -constant feeling of dehydration despite chugging ... more
As evident by the title, there is human life stirring within my bowels. Imagine that. Now try and sleep.
In all seriousness (sort of), I’m officially 14 weeks and two days pregnant and just into my second trimester. Pregnancy is split into trimesters, with a full-term pregnancy at 40 weeks. The first trimester is often the most difficult, not to mention the most uncertain time of pregnancy….and how it has been difficult!
Dear readers, I have essentially been horizontal for two months because being pregnant isn’t all about glowing and eating and being happy. No. Not for everyone. For the unlucky bastards such as myself, every day is a living hell filled with vomiting, constipation, nasal congestion, cramping, fatigue, weakness, dizziness, headaches, constant need to sleep, among other fun facts that I’m too polite to mention here just yet.
While I am FINALLY starting to feel better and get some relief, it’s been a long road. I&rsqu... more
First up is from Emma Pickles- one of the best people on YouTube for making easy-to-follow dramatic costume makeup tutorials. This Pop Art/Comic Book look is by far my favorite:
Next up is an adorable costume idea from Hannah at Xovain.com that also brings me back to childhood so much- a Betty Boop tutorial that is also super easy!
The beauty of this tutorial is that you can probably use the makeup you already have, so there’s no need to go out about buy a bunch of makeup you would only use the once for Halloween.
Lastly, what would a Halloween be without the classic “sexy vampire” look. While I don’t find this as fun as some of the other looks... more