I have a rogue tooth. That bitch has been the bane of my existence for the last 8 years and I’ve recently come to the conclusion I must either accept it and rock it or fix it.
<- This is painful. Putting myself out there on a limb like that for all you #dark internet commenters to rip me a new one… Frankly, I had better close-ups than this photo which really doesn't do it justice, but I just looked like a soulless sex doll in them so that's all you get, sorry.
I've had snaggletooth since I was little. First with my crooked Bugs Bunny teeth that were corrected with FOUR YEARS of braces and a year of wearing a retainer. Then, guess what? I stopped wearing it because I thought I was "too cool"– well that and I was one lazy bitch. Then, a gap which had never been present before appeared between my front teeth after the permanent metal bar holding them in place broke while I was eating a sandwich. Then it broke some more and the gap disappeared. Next, my toofers decided I needed another snaggletooth right there in the middle of my fucking mouth to accentuate my already horse-sized teeth.
Now I just look like Julia Roberts had a baby with Steve Buscemi…
Learning to love my snaggletooth has been an uphill battle. I'll see celebs who rock the shit out of their snaggleteeth and I get all proud and flashy with mine. Then I'll see some biznatch with cheerleader teeth and want to die a painful death.
“I love my snaggle fangs. They give me character and character is sexy.” That is an actual, IRL quote from Kirsten Dunst to Elle UK on why she would never fix her teeth. I love me some Kirsten Dunst. She’s the bomb, seriously. I mean, have you seen Interview With A Vampire?? She was only 10! When I was 10, I was wearing rubber platform sneakers with glitter foiled sides and had a hamster named Toby whom I refused to hold because I was convinced he’d gnaw my fingers off… So when she’s giving expert advice on embracing snaggletooth, I think we could all do good to listen.
And Jewel. You all remember Jewel, right? I’ll never forget seeing that music video of hers that I believe takes place entirely in a bathroom, talkin’ bout saving souls and what not. I don’t really get what the shitter and songs about souls have to do with one another, but it sounded amazing circa 1995. Maybe it has to do with all the riffraff that hang out in public restrooms! (Pepper spray ladies, am I right?!) Let’s take a moment to see Jewel’s snaggletooth in action and reminisce on how sweet the ’90s were.
Just like Jewel and Kirsten, there’s a whole movement of proud snaggletooths in Hollywood. Just check out this comprehensive list courtesy the Huffington Post of celeb snaggles and I’ve got to say, there’s not one person on there that I don’t love! Woody Harrelson, Lara Stone, Madonna! All proudly smiling into the camera! (Also, THIS.)
In retrospect, my little rogue tooth isn’t all that big of a deal in the general world of snaggletooth, but still more than noticeable when I’m talking. Being an American, we pride ourselves so often on having that perfect 10 smile. We bleach, we straighten, we go to great lengths to have an “all American smile.” My experience outside the U.S. is that most people in other countries aren’t so weird about their teeth. They embrace them and the talk of bleaching them out can get you more than a few eyebrows.
So where does this leave me? Caught between the cultural traditions of where I was born and raised and the wider world that embraces a larger, more generous notion of beauty. There are worse things I could worry about, like not having a gap between my thighs or the fact that I may or may not be seeing the first signs of a blonde mustache.
I think the snaggletooth lies low on my radar these days and with a little encouragement from some of my favorite famous people, I can smile a little wider. What do you guys think about my rogue tooth? Do you give it a yay or a big fat nay?
Having a baby is rough, like rougher than that one time in college you got so drunk you passed out in a hallway at a stranger’s house and woke up with dried barf on yourself rough. Imagine that. Imagine squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon-sized opening, then let’s talk.
I’m not one for frivolity when I need to Get.Shit.Done. and makeup usually doesn’t make the cut for heavy duty activities, but I’ve got some reasoning behind my bringing makeup into the maternity ward. (Not that I plan on being a glamour puss the moment she pops out of my womb).
Pictures, people! Yes, indeed. The first photographs of mother and babe happen right there at the hospital. Family and visitors want to come and coo over your new bundle and congratulate you while blasting your face area with everlasting evidence of the auspicious occasion. And let’s just say I don’t do hi-def unless I’ve got some warpaint ready. Call me vain, but I just want to... more
How fast does time fly when I’m reading a stinking urine-soaked plastic device that tells me I’ve got one in the oven to 7 weeks till blast off?? I don’t know and it’s scary as fuck and confusing as fuck and people are freaking me out because they keep asking who’s coming to help us when she’s born. Resounding answer: NO ONE REALLY.
I can’t be worrying about that, I need to get back to losing sleep over whether the pink curtains I’m putting in her room are going to infect her tiny mound of mush brain with some archaic, color-coded sexist philosophy my gender has worked so hard to overcome. And moisturizing my nipples adequately.
But I digress…
1) I leak pee on myself. Like on the reg. Please give a nobel prize to person who invented panty liners…
2) M... more
I’m SO happy to report that almost all of the misery of the first trimester has finally fallen behind me. My energy is back and with no nausea, I’m feeling myself again….just pregnant-er.
It’s a girl! She’s really teeny and moves a lot and likes to kick me which I hope is not a sign that she’s going to be a huge asshole baby- I can say that, it’s my kid. Though she’s really small now- she’s only going to get bigger, which means a bigger belly. Which means lots ‘o’ stretching! If you find yourself with a bun in the oven now or in the future, here are some top tips to help your skin not give you the fat middle finger:
This is probably the best thing you can put on your skin during pregnancy, it’s emollient nature make for high potency penetration into the skin while protecting i... more
Being pregnant is fucking hard for a lot women. Whether it’s the physical changes your body endures daily or the mental and emotional hurdles that will blindside you at the drop of a hat, this is a crucial time when life can seem surreal at best. Here’s a quick list of my physical and mental symptoms I’ve experienced so far:-nausea accompanied by vomiting and heightened gag reflex -heightened sense of smell making everything smell like a dead donkey butthole -dizziness and faintness when moving or standing at a normal pace -fatigue that induces at least 2 death naps per day -itchy, dry raisin skin -shortness of breath when doing the most basic of tasks (i.e. walking normally) -memory loss -congestion during sleep coupled with daily morning nasal draining which causes more nausea (snot on an empty stomach= YUM) -constipation (what I wouldn’t do to take a shit right now, it’s been three days so far) -constant feeling of dehydration despite chugging ... more
As evident by the title, there is human life stirring within my bowels. Imagine that. Now try and sleep.
In all seriousness (sort of), I’m officially 14 weeks and two days pregnant and just into my second trimester. Pregnancy is split into trimesters, with a full-term pregnancy at 40 weeks. The first trimester is often the most difficult, not to mention the most uncertain time of pregnancy….and how it has been difficult!
Dear readers, I have essentially been horizontal for two months because being pregnant isn’t all about glowing and eating and being happy. No. Not for everyone. For the unlucky bastards such as myself, every day is a living hell filled with vomiting, constipation, nasal congestion, cramping, fatigue, weakness, dizziness, headaches, constant need to sleep, among other fun facts that I’m too polite to mention here just yet.
While I am FINALLY starting to feel better and get some relief, it’s been a long road. I&rsqu... more
First up is from Emma Pickles- one of the best people on YouTube for making easy-to-follow dramatic costume makeup tutorials. This Pop Art/Comic Book look is by far my favorite:
Next up is an adorable costume idea from Hannah at Xovain.com that also brings me back to childhood so much- a Betty Boop tutorial that is also super easy!
The beauty of this tutorial is that you can probably use the makeup you already have, so there’s no need to go out about buy a bunch of makeup you would only use the once for Halloween.
Lastly, what would a Halloween be without the classic “sexy vampire” look. While I don’t find this as fun as some of the other looks... more