Uuuuuummmmmm, the last time I checked ragging wasn’t sexy. Like ever. Nope. Just…no. As a woman who regularly periods, I can safely assure all of you that nothing about menstruating looks, feels, smells, or assumably tastes sexy. This brings me to my main point, why would anyone in their right mind ever ever ever associate having a stinky, bleeding crotch with sexiness- which is just what Dear Kate did.
Dear Kate is a company that sells expensive underwear specifically designed to make you feel sexy while on your period. In fact, Dear Kate was originally called “Sexy Period.”
Apart from its ridiculous name, no mention of their heinous prices, and dumb puns, this advertisement tells us next to nothing about these “sexy panties” other than they’re sexy and you can wear anything you want because they don’t leak. Also, can I just say I’ve never seen a person past the age of 5 eat a candy bar like that, can someone please explain this to me? I’m so confused…
Further investigation of their website reveals that Sexy Period, now known as Dear Kate (nice move marketing, at least someone over there has a brain cell still burning…), hold up to THREE TABLESPOONS of “liquid” comfortably with a price range of $30-$40 per pair in three ranges including basic, fancy, and maternity. For those of you not on the dollar system, that’s around AED 110-147 per sexy panty. That’s around the same price point you would find on a pair of Victoria Secret panties, made for when your vagina is not hemorrhaging.
To be clear cut, these sexy panties are not made to be disposable or to period in. You still need to wear a pad/tampon/diva cup with them. Their sole purpose is to look great, keep you from staining your non-period panties, as well as preventing you bleeding through your favorite white jeans.
Apart from the handful of dudes who are into getting their red wings (look it up) or people who regularly enjoy period sex, most persons, men and women included, tend to avoid associating sexy or being sexy with perioding. Here are just some general reasons why:
Ladies be hella bloated during Auntie Rose’s visit- bloated with water weight, old and disintegrated uterine lining, and blood. Oh and all that junk food you’ve been cramming into your pie hole, too.
Anyone with a period knows that you get the runs big time during your monthly cycle. Stock up on that toilet paper!
Cut a hole in your abdomen, reach in and start twisting and squeezing the fuck out of your internal organs as well as simultaneously having someone punch you in your lower back and knee caps. Then you might have an idea of what cramping feels like.
Even people with pristine complexions get all greasy pizza face during this time of the month. Make sure to pick up some Neutrogena along with that tp!
It’s a long running and well known joke about vag smelling like fish. Well, I’m just going to say that you obviously have never smelled period vag, because that shit be toxic.
So, does anyone really want to debate with me that periods can be sexy? That you can find the joy in all of it? No, I don’t really think you can. It’s just something you kind of have to deal with. It’s uncomfortable, smelly, messy, painful, and exhausting. And it happens every. fucking. month.
Peggy Lee lied.
So back to sexy panties. Knowing what I do about periods, knowing that I could give a shit less about being sexy on top of dealing with my bleeding crotch for a week, I cannot justify paying that much money for underwear that essentially does nothing to make my life easier or make me feel better about having a period.
Period panties should be cheap, easy, and replaceable. Go to your local cheapo department store and pick up that jumbo pack of ugly granny panties in black (hides ALL stains!) and plug up your hole with a super tampon after you pop some pain killers. Because, really, who the fuck cares.
Unless you’re bleeding buckets of period material (in which case you should probably see a doctor about), you really don’t need much besides your trusty granny panties and some good pads/tampons/diva cup. If you just can’t bring yourself to wear “ugly” panties, repurpose your oldies! Got a thong with ripped threads? Put in a tampon and call it a day! Got some old booty shorts with a hole in the crotch?? Tape a pad over it and you’re good to go! Trust me, you’re not going to bleed through your clothes as long as you’re smart and change your “sanitary” products from a trusted brand in the appropriate amount of time, that’s why there’s science that has made sanitary products that actually work.
Maybe Sexy Panties could have worked way back when ragging truly was shoving a rag up your hooha with no leakage protection and being confined to one room for a week, but even then, peeps were less likely to be getting their sexy on than now.
What do you guys think? Are Sexy Period Panties worth it? Would you fork over the cash for them during your next red tide?
Having a baby is rough, like rougher than that one time in college you got so drunk you passed out in a hallway at a stranger’s house and woke up with dried barf on yourself rough. Imagine that. Imagine squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon-sized opening, then let’s talk.
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First up is from Emma Pickles- one of the best people on YouTube for making easy-to-follow dramatic costume makeup tutorials. This Pop Art/Comic Book look is by far my favorite:
Next up is an adorable costume idea from Hannah at Xovain.com that also brings me back to childhood so much- a Betty Boop tutorial that is also super easy!