I’ve tried to dodge the headlines in my previous roundups, basically to put the focus on myself, but this week has been so fruitful that even I believe that there are more important things in the world than me! (At least to you).
Not only did the Britons establish contact with aliens from outer space, or at least sample some of their DNA, and scientists from Lebanon finally found a cure for cancer, or at least for a certain kind of Leukemia, maybe, but it also turned out that global warming was just another scam from the Left! It turned out that the climate changes we are experiencing are just part of a natural cycle, though the communist minded anti-capitalist liberals are lobbying hard all over Europe to get their sticks in the wheels for the fossil fuel industry so that they can sabotage the comforts of YOUR life. It’s not your fault that we’ll be able to enjoy a complete ice free north pole in the near future, which will be opening for a new golden trade route between, ehh, the front and the back side of the globe. No no no no. Nothing to worry about! That little gust that’s sweeping over Asia at the speed of, like, 180mph, which is the strongest storm on earth since ‘88, is as natural as…cloning!
WORLD PEACE AHEAD
This week it was “leaked” that Obama has been pen pals with Rouhani for some time, the cozy faced grand dad that’s been running Iran since Ahmdinedeviljad stepped off. It even turns out that Iran calls for ‘constructive’ dialogues to end ‘unhealthy’ rivalries, while Obama’s strategy of talking to countries instead of going to war might just be crazy enough to work. (It might not have worked out so well for those eight women that got droned to death earlier this week, but don’t worry, this is the last time you’ll hear about them, ever.)
What can go wrong in such glorious times where Assad is collaborating and handing over his chemical weapons as a gesture of peace, and Pakistan shows the world that we have nothing to worry about and sets Taliban free, while evil Iran frees some of their political prisoners?
In times where Iran is a shining peace nation where Rouhani is composing peace poetry love letters to the West, where Israeli mayors are welcoming Arabs to live in peace in their jewish cities, the Republicans have come to the conclusion that they had been “too nice to the hungry”, and will save some precious dollars by not giving away free food to poor people, such as army veterans, which is great news for re-integration of lazy soldiers. They’re even talking about taking the guns away from the mentally ill people in America! So now it’s time to sell your Lockheed Martin stocks before they go bankrupt!
How? Just how can this go wrong?
OK, LET’s BE SERIOUS. SERIOUSLY.
Two massacres took place this week. Or, like, people got killed in Syria for sure, and 90 people got killed by bombs in Iraq on Friday, not to mention the systematic military crackdown on sympathisers of the democratically elected Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, but I’m not talking about that kind of massacres. I’m talking about the kind of massacres where non-muslims are being killed. That was the big headline flashing in my face on Saturday, “Non-muslims under attack in Nairobi” it said, and I thought, “OMG! I am a non-muslim!”, and I felt threatened. But then I thought, “But I’m not in Nairobi…”, which made me feel safe again.
Because, if there is one thing I’ve learnt from my news sources it is that there is nothing worse than the death of a non-muslim. Or, I mean, you know, I guess what they’re trying to say it’s bad to die unless you are muslim. That’s what my TV is telling me, that Muslims are so bad that Muslim prostitutes are not even prostitutes, they are “Sexual Jihadists” – (you are meant to get goosebumps now) – yes, sexual jihadists… So, you can only hope that Mr. Moon of the UN gets his will in decriminalizing pimping. Then I’m sure that Sexual Jihadists would appear as the jewels of the streets in most European countries, right next to the Nigerian hookers that got kidnapped, gagged, raped and trafficked to your town for the pleasure of non-muslims.
The other (real) massacre that took place this week was carried out by Aaron Alexis, a man that could not wait with his shooting spree until GTA V got released on Tuesday, and killed 12 people on a Navy Yard army base. That’s tragic enough, but what’s alarming is the connection here: Aaron Alexis was vetted by the same contractor as Snowden! Hah! Got you! This must be the clearest link between Snowden and mass murderers, which shows just how dangerous Snowden is for having spied on your…spy.
But forget about Syria for a second! (Or, shit, I forgot that most Americans are more interested in TWERKING than they are in the next country they’re going to invade.) Anyways, forget about Syria! Did I mention that GTA V is out? The game where you just drive around in stolen cars and shoot people in their heads? The most popular game of all times? It’s a must have if you’re even remotely interested in having a conversation with, well, anyone interesting, and it might just be worth a little stab-and-run if your local store is sold out (they’ll probably let you play it in jail if you get busted anyways…well, at least in Scandinavia).
So my suggestion is that you just get your hands on a copy of GTA V and enjoy world peace while we’re figuring out cloning aliens from their DNA. And if you are in Lebanon: You might as well make some new friends as there will (almost) be as many Syrians as Lebanese in your country by 2014. But whatever you do, don’t draw anyone famous, as it might just put you in trouble. So might your marihuana habits, as the police is cracking down on its consumers, not producers, though your government is working out a plan to make peace with the poor hash farmers (and perhaps make a dollar or two?)
Me? I’m just going to sit back and wait for my girlfriend to arrive.
Is Iceland the REAL threat to Europe?
We’re obsessed with putting our eyes on islamofacists, islafists, salafists, and, well, you know, just muslims, but is this where the real threat is coming from?
Everybody: PANIC!Just a few weeks ago our national security was at risk, as someone thought that someone potential... [more]
Being down with the kids
When the 2famous.TV crew rolled up in our red Mercedes at this beautiful island in the south of Norway, we pretty much felt like stars. I mean, festivals are usually the place where we can show (and prove to ourselves) that we still got it; that we’re still down with the kids, despite the fact that most of our crew is twice the age of the average populat... [more]
– No work visa required
If you live in a shithole, you should come to Norway and join the shitfest!
There is a loophole in the strict Norwegian job market, and that loophole can be found right between a grizzlys genitals and it’s tale (also known as its butthole).
Thanks to the low population and the large oil reserves Norway may be the richest country in the world, but if you’re not from... [more]
Here I sit overlooking the rooftops of Oslo while it’s pouring down from the gray sky. It’s that time of the year where all you want to do is to sit inside and drink red wine while being melancholic. I daydream about Lebanon, though Beirut somehow feels like an oriental dream in the distance. It’s so different from where I am right now. It’s almost surreal. But I guess ... [more]
It’s election on Monday, and no one is talking about how much the “Peace Nation” Norway sucks for everyone that’s not in Norway.
I wish I could have talked about something that had something to do with the real world, but I have been living in an isolated bubble for the past week. It’s not my lack of access to the internet that has cut me off, nor is it that I’ve been occupied with setting up the 2famous.TV HQ in Oslo with Knut and Liza. True, I’ve been stressing around decorating my new room so that i... [more]