Christmas came early for yours truly this year. A sweet little lifesaver I’ve been scheming to get for ages is now my own. May I present in this blog post my newest friend, the Diva Cup!
Yep, I’m home — all warm and snuggly in beachy south Florida, tanning and making as many people I know jealous during the days, eating non-adventurous American food and going to sleep at like 11 at night. It’s totally a blast. Earlier this month I said, “Hey mom I really want this thing can you get it for me please?” and she said yes. They sell it at Whole Foods Market, five minutes away from the house so I’d have to pick it up myself.
Oh, what IS a Diva Cup you ask? Duh, according to SEO doctrine I should have answered that in the first line. But whatever. The Diva Cup is a silicone egg-shaped open cup that a lady sticks up her vag during her period in place of a tampon. The cup collects the blood and chunks (get over it) and only needs to be emptied 2-3 times every 24 hours! Reasons for getting the DC range from crunchy: it’s way better for the environment because you’re not using and throwing away resources like tampons and pads, to practicality: ugh remember that time I had to throw my tampon off the side of a mountain in Nepal because there was no flushing toilet and no garbage can? With the Diva Cup I could have kept that sucker in there all day and night if I wanted to.
Once I got to Whole Foods, I was blindsided by my forgotten favorite part. Two words: food samples! I munched on all the free scattered treats like a little rat in a maze until I remembered what I came for. Probably made two entire rounds then retired to the “feminine hygiene’ section and picked up my cup.
It comes in 2 sizes: 1) For women under 30 who have never had babies (me me me!) and 2) the opposite.
Ok so I was psyched. I read about it a lot online and found out my college roommate uses one too. They say there’s a learning curve so I decided to hit the books (read: my body) and try it out before P-Day. Sitting on the toilet, pants at my ankles, I read my colorful manual and folded the soft rubbery cup into a triangular shape and shoved it up there. Sure, it took a bit of maneuvering but I thought I had it. Felt like…nothing! I knew it was going to work.
Then I wanted to take it out. That’s when things got a bit scary. I tried to grab the teeny tip thing and nothing budged. I started to panic while I marvelled at my impressive muscle set. You go girl! Anyways, I sweated and tugged. It wasn’t working. I raced to my computer and group chatted my girlfriends:
-I CAN’T GET IT OUT
-IT’S SO SLIMY AND SUCTIONED IN!
-on the positive side i don’t feel it
-OMG NOW I HAVE TO GO TO LUCNH
I was scheduled to go to lunch with my mom’s boyfriend and he was waiting for me at that moment! I kept running into the bathroom, dreading having to get my mom to pull my stocking stuffer out of my vagina for me. “Come on you pussy (me or my vag, I don’t know)!” I recall saying. I re-read the directions telling me to ‘bear down’ so I simulated giving birth but it only just felt funny on my fingers.
I realized the trick was to get half my hand up there which kind of made me feel like I’d break my wrist but pulled the sucker out! Victory! I knew I could do it!
P-Day II was a different story. It was even more gory so I won’t even go into detail about digging it out so forcefully that I Jackson Pollocked the bathroom wall. I consulted my friendy again after the incident. Her advice: Squeeze it to break the seal and twist. I had a new strat. But when I tried it all out things weren’t so hunky dory. At night it’s easier to take it out I don’t know why.
The next morning, it took forever and ever and I literally had to give encouraging talks to myself to calm down and that I could do it. Honestly, I think my stubby little toad fingers are too short. Do I have arthritis? Why does my wrist hurt? Am I weaker than I imagined? Am I going to suck this much at giving birth? I needed to stop whine-crying to myself. I just couldn’t manage to get two fingers in to squeeze anything and it was discouraging but the Internet repeats “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.”
In fact the Internet said to try for at least 3-6 periods. To me the daily benefits outweigh the dramatic morning negatives, for sure. I have so much faith in this thing that I’m willing to suffer a bit when taking it out. Maybe that’s also because I’m in a comfy home. I hate to end this post with a wishy washy conclusion, but I’d rather publish it now than wait 6 months to do the IT’S OK EVERYONE! THERE IS A LEARNING CURVE, BUT #ITGETSBETTER, because I feel like I know it does, I’m just still riding that curve right now.
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