Being pregnant is fucking hard for a lot women. Whether it’s the physical changes your body endures daily or the mental and emotional hurdles that will blindside you at the drop of a hat, this is a crucial time when life can seem surreal at best. Here’s a quick list of my physical and mental symptoms I’ve experienced so far:

• -nausea accompanied by vomiting and heightened gag reflex
• -heightened sense of smell making everything smell like a dead donkey butthole
• -dizziness and faintness when moving or standing at a normal pace
• -fatigue that induces at least 2 death naps per day
• -itchy, dry raisin skin
• -shortness of breath when doing the most basic of tasks (i.e. walking normally)
• -memory loss
• -congestion during sleep coupled with daily morning nasal draining which causes more nausea (snot on an empty stomach= YUM)
• -constipation (what I wouldn’t do to take a shit right now, it’s been three days so far)
• -constant feeling of dehydration despite chugging water all day
• -lots-o-discharge (vaginal discharge for any woman is normal, sorry fellas, but in pregnancy this increases dramatically- it keeps your poonani healthy and sealed away from the diseased world.)
• -crying for little to no reason
• -screaming for little to no reason
• -extra drool (yes, this a real thing)

So, as you can see, it’s been an uphill battle, though I am starting to feel much better. Every pregnancy is unique, so while I may feel horrendous, others may feel the best they ever have. Honestly, my biggest hurdle has been not punching people when I tell them about all of this and they say with a smile “yeah but you’re getting a baby at the end, it’s so worth it!” Look, I get it. Becoming a parent if/when you are ready to and creating human life is a spectacular thing, it really is. Does this mean I want to be all “Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m having a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFGGGGGGGGGG” while I feel like ass all day everyday? No, not really. I’ll celebrate at a later time, kthnx.

Along with all that we expectant mothers may go through, list after list tells us the no-nos of pregnancy. We can’t smoke, we can’t drink, we can’t eat sushi, we can’t have caffeine, we can’t lay on our backs, we can’t get in hot tubs– we can’t, we can’t we can’t.

While I respect and support most of the science behind the restrictions, some of them I take with a grain of salt- some I ignore all together. So without further ado, here are a list of things that I’m doing/not doing during pregnancy that you can all judge me on if you care to. Pregnancy is hard, and I’m not going to make it any harder on myself if I can help it.

• -I drink an occasional glass of red wine. Now, when I say occasional, I mean maybe once a month. When I say glass, I mean a small bistro-sized wine glass that is half full. I also had half a glass of champagne for New Years, so that too. While I do uphold that drinking can be very dangerous for your baby in large quantities, there is just enough evidence through many recent scientific studies, and common sense, that a small glass of wine once a month isn’t going to hurt anyone.
• -I have a small cup of coffee almost every morning (now that I’m no longer nauseated). I love coffee, always have and it’s just something that I won’t give up and don’t believe I should have to. A lot of caffeine is indeed bad for pregnant women and unborn children, but 4 oz. a day is just fine by me.
• -I eat sushi, deli meat, partially uncooked eggs, soft cheeses, and spicy foods. All of which are not recommended for pregnant women. My theory is that if I know that what I’m about to eat is fresh and from a reputable source, then there shouldn’t be too much cause for concern. The main issue when it comes to these particular foods (apart from spicy) is a higher risk of food poisoning. When you are pregnant, you are much more vulnerable to bacteria, since you’re immune system is at a weak point. You always want the freshest food available, for safety.
• -I maintain that pregnancy is not a green-light to stuff yourself and eat whatever you want. Your baby isn’t craving two bags of Cheetos. Fetuses don’t control food cravings, that is bullshit, sorry. Yes, as a pregnant woman you will most likely be hungry, a lot, and maybe even crave weird things or very unhealthy things, but it’s still best to eat sensibly. Ideally, if you were at a healthy weight prior to pregnancy, you should only be gaining around 20-30 pounds (9-13 kilos). You need no additional calories your first trimester, only 350 during the second, and 500 at the third. While I do indulge and am by no means on a diet, I don’t think its acceptable to have a culture that tells expectant mothers they can eat as much as they like- it’s just bad advice.
• -I dyed my hair and painted my nails. Some say that the chemicals may be bad, but there’s no strong evidence to support this. I feel like shit, at least I can do some things that make me feel a little perkier.
• -I hate baby books and other baby websites that tell me a million things that have a 1 in a million chance of happening. Worrying is a national pregnancy pastime, it’s kind of our thing, us preggos. I want to focus on keeping myself healthy, getting ready for the baby in the best way possible, and try to enjoy it while I can. Scaring myself with random articles or the cut throat mommies out for blood on comment forums are just not for me. I have one book called The Healthy Pregnancy Book by Dr. Sears. It’s a great book, it tells me what I need to know and what’s happening month to month developmentally- all that I would and should ever need.

There you have it. My list of dirty pregnant laundry. Call me selfish, call me vain, but I call it handling my pregnancy in the best way I can without going insane. Now if I could just take that shit…