How fast does time fly when I’m reading a stinking urine-soaked plastic device that tells me I’ve got one in the oven to 7 weeks till blast off?? I don’t know and it’s scary as fuck and confusing as fuck and people are freaking me out because they keep asking who’s coming to help us when she’s born. Resounding answer: NO ONE REALLY.
I can’t be worrying about that, I need to get back to losing sleep over whether the pink curtains I’m putting in her room are going to infect her tiny mound of mush brain with some archaic, color-coded sexist philosophy my gender has worked so hard to overcome. And moisturizing my nipples adequately.
But I digress…
1) I leak pee on myself. Like on the reg. Please give a nobel prize to person who invented panty liners…
2) My nipps got super brown. Apparently this is so the baby (babies are born with very poor vision) can get their eye on the prize: dinner!
3) I am now my cat’s sleep companion. Sleeping on average of 10ish hours every night I like to break up the afternoon with an hour and half nap, just for good measure.
4) My stomach bulges like the birth of Xenomorph from Alien when she moves around. It can be disturbing, not going to lie.
5) Beer now tastes AMAZING, but sadly I cannot have much at all. Saying I’m not normally a beer drinker is highly accurate. I prefer sophisticated drinks like red wine and G & T’s to offset my Appalachian vibe.
6) If I flex my stomach, my belly button pushes out. It’s hella gross.
7) People let me cut them in line or serve me things, a lot. I almost feel guilty… almost. It’s kind of like that scene in Return of the Jedi with Jabba the Hutt and his servants.
8) I’m even meaner than usual, calling fellow drivers “cockspew” and “cunt booger” on several occasions.
9) Hunger is no longer just a “feeling” but a insatiable primal urge and immediate food consumption is an outright necessity for murder prevention.
10) People think I care about their babies because I’m pregnant, but I don’t. Unless you are a friend who has sprung life from their loins or a member of my direct family, I have no interest in your kid…sorry. Please stop harassing my eyeballs with iPhone photos of them or bringing them to events so I can “get experience.”
Having a baby is rough, like rougher than that one time in college you got so drunk you passed out in a hallway at a stranger’s house and woke up with dried barf on yourself rough. Imagine that. Imagine squeezing a watermelon out of a lemon-sized opening, then let’s talk.
I’m not one for frivolity when I need to Get.Shit.Done. and makeup usually doesn’t make the ... [more]
I’m SO happy to report that almost all of the misery of the first trimester has finally fallen behind me. My energy is back and with no nausea, I’m feeling myself again….just pregnant-er.
It’s a girl! She’s really teeny and moves a lot and likes to kick me which I hope is not a sign that she’s going to be a huge asshole baby- I can say that, it&rsquo... [more]
Being pregnant is fucking hard for a lot women. Whether it’s the physical changes your body endures daily or the mental and emotional hurdles that will blindside you at the drop of a hat, this is a crucial time when life can seem surreal at best. Here’s a quick list of my physical and mental symptoms I’ve experienced so far:-nausea accompanied by vomiting and heightened ... [more]
As evident by the title, there is human life stirring within my bowels. Imagine that. Now try and sleep.
In all seriousness (sort of), I’m officially 14 weeks and two days pregnant and just into my second trimester. Pregnancy is split into trimesters, with a full-term pregnancy at 40 weeks. The first trimester is often the most difficult, not to mention the most uncertain time of ... [more]
First up is from Emma Pickles- one of the best people on YouTube for making easy-to-follow dramatic costume makeup tutorials. This Pop Art/Comic Book look is by far my favorite:
Next up is an adorable costume idea from Hannah at Xovain.com that also brings me back to childhood so much- a Betty Boop tutorial that is also super easy!
Laaaaadies! In the all important realm of being a female and femaleness, finally comes the handbook on all things amazing and essential and femme power related. “The Book of Jezebel: An Illustrated Encyclopedia of Lady Things,” is now available for [more]